


To Understand and Be Understood

by ChElFi



Series: When the Wizard Gets to Me I'm Asking for a Smaller Heart [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loss, Male-Female Friendship, Not A Fix-It, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Not a Captain Hill Ship, POV Male Character, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Sorry Not Sorry, Steggy - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 12:22:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4705856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChElFi/pseuds/ChElFi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood. ~~Seneca // Steve is tempted to take his relationship with Maria a little further, but probably not for the right reasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Understand and Be Understood

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [First It Was a Question Then it Was a Mission](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1645337) by [MarnaNightingale](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarnaNightingale/pseuds/MarnaNightingale). 



> This is not a Captain Hill ship. Everyone got that? OK, I just have to make the clear at the beginning because, well, it's sure gonna look like one for about the first half of the story. :D
> 
> Anyway, this is a continuation of And I Don't Know Really What It Means and is in the Smaller Heart series. This series is based on a story called First It Was a Question, Then It Was a Mission (link below) in which Peggy does not have Dementia or anything that has hindered her mental faculties when Steve sees her again. It is what movie canon should have been. *sigh* Anyway, for this particular story, it is probably necessary to read that one. I apologize, not because it is a bad story, but I know some people don't like to read "Mature" stories. However, a lot of what goes on in this story will make absolutely no sense if you don't.

Steve’s plane touched down at 11 and he was able to make it to the tower by 1pm. He dropped his single bag in his apartment in the tower then started toward Maria’s office. When the elevator door opened, he found Tony.

“Oh, now it makes sense,” Tony said, without preamble as Steve entered the lift.

“What makes sense, Stark?” Steve was almost afraid to ask.

“Hill is leaving early for the day,” Tony explained and pressed the button for Maria’s level. “Figured she had a hot date. I should have known it was with you.”

Steve stared at him as the doors slid closed.

“What is that supposed to mean?” he asked.

“Just that you two seem to spend a lot of quality time together when you’re in New York or she’s in DC,” Tony said. “If you’re trying to keep this thing a secret, you’re doing a lousy job.”

“What thing, Tony?”

The doors slid open when they reached their destination and the two stepped out.

Tony turned and looked at Steve as if the super-soldier had just grown another head.

“Are you seriously going to stand here in front of me and deny it?” Tony asked. “When I have it on good authority that you were in DC this morning and flew in just to see Maria?”

Steve couldn’t hide his surprise. He wasn’t sure how Tony could have this information. It didn’t seem like the type of thing Maria would share with anyone. She was usually far more discreet.

“How did you know that?” Steve asked, seriously concerned Tony was monitoring him.

“Aha!” Tony exclaimed as his face lit up. “So I was right!”

“What?”

“I just guessed,” he told Steve offhandedly. “You usually stay here when you come to visit and you weren’t here. So I guessed. Not that it took a lot of thought to do so. Like I said, the two of you are ridiculously obvious.”

“There’s nothing going on between Maria and myself more than friendship, Stark,” Steve said.

Stark shook his head.

“If that’s the way you want to play it,” Tony said, and shrugged. “Pity, though, you two do make a charming couple.”

Tony turned down the hall opposite Maria’s office and Steve watched after him. He shook his head as he turned to walk toward the desk outside her office where her assistant sat as he spoke on the phone. Steve waited until the man looked up and smiled then waved him in. He knocked quietly, not wanting to interrupt her work if she was busy but he heard her “come in” muffled through the door and opened it.

As he stepped inside Maria looked up at him from her desk and smiled the slight smile he’d seen her smile many times, but Steve felt suddenly nervous. Did people really think there was something more between Maria and himself? He really couldn’t understand why. Yes, he saw her when he was in NY, but wasn’t that what friends did?

Lunch was uneventful. Steve tried to gauge the truth of Stark’s words, but there was nothing unusual in Maria’s behavior at all. She acted neither coy nor remotely flirtatious. They discussed work and details of each of their private interests (hunting down HYDRA and searching for Bucky) as much as they could in a public place.  
Steve was about to write off Stark’s observations as meddling when Maria suggested something unusual as they left the restaurant.

“Ever been ice skating?”

Steve looked at her for a moment in surprise.

“Uh, not since I, well, woke,” he answered finally.

“Well, if you have nothing more interesting lined up, I know a nice place we could go,” she told him.

An hour later, Steve was following Maria around an indoor rink in Brooklyn. Though it had been so many years he’d taken to the ice easily. Maria, however, looked as if she was born on it. She had shown him a few different things, but Steve knew he didn’t look nearly as graceful as she. When they finally stopped and sat to put their shoes back on, Maria was entirely relaxed. Steve had never seen her like this. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold and exertion, and her smile lit up her eyes in a way that took Steve’s breath away.

“You really enjoy this,” he said.

She nodded.

“It was always my favorite thing when I was a girl,” she explained. “It’s always been my escape.”

She picked up his skates as he put on his shoes and Steve watched her as she walked over to the counter to return them.

Her escape, he thought. That’s why she’d brought him here. She’d understood exactly why he’d called her that morning, even without him having to say a thing. That brought a genuine smile to his face.

As they rode in the cab back to her apartment, she and Steve made small talk. He was surprised at how relaxed he felt. It had been a month since they’d seen each other and he’d missed this, how normal he felt around her, how he had the sense that everything would somehow work out. He hadn’t felt a great deal of positive feelings since he’d woke from the ice. And that just wasn’t like him. He’d always been positive before, always had hope that things would get better.

The closer they came to her apartment, the more Tony’s words kept playing over in his mind. Was there something to them? Steve certainly felt different with Maria than he did with anyone else. He felt relaxed, sometimes almost at peace, and, dare he say, happy. There was a twinge of regret with that thought. He should have been happy with Peggy. But Peggy was gone, and he had been happy with her, albeit briefly.

He realized he’d gotten lost in his thoughts when he discovered Maria was looking at him. She had a look he was used to now. It was her patient one, the one she gave him when she knew he was working through something inside his head. The one she only had for him in private.

He smiled at her and reached over to squeeze her hand reassuringly. There was something in that touch, something his body enjoyed. He could feel the warmth flow over him starting at his hand. He glanced up at her but she was already looking out the window. He looked around and saw they were approaching her apartment.

He paid the cab, despite her protests, and they climbed out. As they entered the elevator in her apartment, Steve felt his gut start to clench. He hadn’t been this nervous in years, of course, he hadn’t had these thoughts about a woman aside from Peggy in years. It hadn’t been this way with Peggy. Yes, he’d been foolish enough to wait during the war, but that had only been for practical reasons. With he and Peggy there hadn’t been the need for words, it had just always been known to both of them that there could be no other. When he’d returned and they’d finally consummated their relationship, it had been the most natural thing in the world. It hadn’t mattered to him that she was physically older than him, he had adored her, why would age change that?

The lift doors opened and Steve followed Maria down the hall. She turned to him and her smile reminded him of Tony’s words again. At her door, she put the key in and unlocked it.

“I had a good time,” Steve said, because he suddenly felt the need to say something.

“Me too,” she said. “I hope it helped.”

Steve relaxed. The nerves in his gut uncoiled. Here was someone who understood him, someone who really knew him. He hadn’t had that outside Peggy since he’d awoke. He smiled and impulsively leaned down to press his lips to hers.

It only took a second to register her surprise and confusion, almost less time to feel her place her hand on his chest, not in affection, but to hold his advance at bay.

“Steve?”

The confused look on her face told him that this was never what she expected, even more, it wasn’t what she wanted. He felt his face get hot with embarrassment and he stepped back with an apology.

He tried not to think how he had screwed this all up, the one thing that was going right for him and he had ruined it.

Steve desired nothing more than to beat a hasty retreat to the elevator, but before he could take one more step away from her, Maria reached out and grabbed his arm.

“I think we should talk,” she told him.

Steve finally dared to look at her again. The confused look was replaced with the understanding one, the one she’d had for him since the day of Peggy’s funeral. Maria opened the apartment door and Steve followed her in, hoping there was still a chance to salvage their friendship.

The door shut behind them and Maria directed Steve to the sofa and asked him if he wanted a drink.

“Water’s fine,” he managed to choke out.

She gave him a disapproving look.

“Would you like stale bread with that?”

Steve opened his mouth but shut it again when he saw the glint of humor in her eyes.

He apologized again then she told him she’d get some coffee going and walked into the kitchen that was open to the living room.

“Sit down Steve,” she said when he didn’t move from his spot.

He wasn’t sure where to sit. They usually sat together on her sofa, but then they’d be actually sitting together and he didn’t know if she wanted that.

“Steve, seriously, just sit on the sofa,” she said. “I promise I won’t bite you. Or anything else for that matter.”

“Sorry,” he said and sat down to wait for her.

After several silent and painfully awkward moments for Steve, Maria brought over the coffees on a tray with cream and sugar. Steve hesitantly took the cream and poured it, hoping she didn’t reach for it at the same time.

After he was finished, he decided they should just get on with the discussion and apologized again.

"Stop apologizing, Steve," Maria told him. "You're going to give me a complex."

Steve leaned forward and put his head in his hands. He was certain he'd never been more embarrassed in his life.

"I really messed everything up," he said.

And that was the worst part. She'd been his support through all of this and now Steve had screwed things up.

"I never took you as one for dramatics," Maria's voice broke into his thoughts. "Inspiring speeches, aside."

He turned his head to look at her and discovered she had an amused smirk on her face.

"So, you're not mad?" he asked.

She laughed quietly and shook her head.

"Hardly, Steve," she said. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't flattered."

Steve wasn't sure how to respond to that.

Maria looked at him for a moment before she spoke again.

"Don’t take this the wrong way," she said. "But, you're not really ready to move on."

Even though she didn't mean to, Maria's words made him feel worse.

"I didn't mean to..."

He stopped, not sure exactly what he wanted to say.

"Use me?" Maria offered.

If Steve thought he'd felt bad before, he was wrong. Her words hit exactly what he was feeling.

"I don't think you would have," Maria said. "That's not the type of man you are."

Steve looked back at her. She certainly didn't seem angry. She had the same understanding look on her face she'd come to him the night after Peggy’s funeral.

"I do recommend, however, that you take everything Stark says with a grain of salt in the future."

Her face broke into a knowing grin and Steve felt the need to blush.

"Look, Stark has made it his personal mission to make sure I have someone to grow old with," she explained. "Somewhere along the way he found out that we hang out together, and he jumped to conclusions."

They were silent as Steve processed this information.

"But I still," he started but Maria cut him off.

"Why did you call me this morning?" she asked.

Steve sighed in appreciation of her attempt to change the subject. He leaned back on the sofa and let out a long breath.

“I keep having these dreams,” he said.

He wasn’t sure how much to tell her. Often she simply knew, and he truly hoped this was one of the times. He didn’t feel comfortable telling her what the dreams consisted of.

She was quiet a moment as she took a drink of her coffee. The silence stretched on and Steve turned to look at her. She had a faraway look on her face he’d never seen before. Steve took the time to observe her now and as he did he saw so many emotions flash through her eyes that he knew had been there before but somehow he’d missed them. The question was on the tip of his tongue again, but Maria finally spoke.

“The dreams are the worst,” she said. Her voice was quiet and unusually soft. She looked as if she might be recalling a memory. In all their time together, though he had felt that her counsel was from experience, she had never shown this much emotion.

When she turned to him, Steve was surprised that in her eyes he saw the same sadness he saw in his own each morning.

“They’re so real,” she said. “And in that moment between sleeping and waking, you’re sure it was real and that she’s there with you. And that all you have to do is reach out your hand and she’ll be there to touch and take in your arms again.”

Steve could only stare. The emotion swimming in Maria’s eyes was intense. He’d known she understood, but he hadn’t realized that she still felt it. Looking at her now he wondered how anyone could ever have thought her cold.

Finally, he nodded his head. He still wanted to ask how she knew, he felt even more that he needed to know, but he couldn’t, not yet.

“Does it ever go away?” he asked.

She huffed out a laugh and her face contorted as if in pain.

“Yeah,” she said. “And then all you want is for them to come back. Because the something of the dreams is so much better than the nothingness afterward.”

She reached for her coffee again and Steve was reminded that he was letting his get cold. He took a drink to be polite and thought about her words.

They were silent again, but this time it was the usual comfortable silence the two of them had together. Steve enjoyed this the most. He hadn’t been the type to be fond of silence before he’d gone down in the ice, but with all the thoughts constantly running through his mind, he had found it a comfort, and to have someone who felt the same made him feel more at home.

Finally she took a breath and he waited for her to speak.

“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, Steve,” she told him. “A love like yours and Peggy’s is almost impossible to find. Even in the old days. It’s the stuff that most people think can only be found in trashy romance novels. Most people have no idea it’s possible to love and be loved that deeply. And to lose a lover like that, well, it will get easier, like I said, but it will be a very long time before it does.”

Steve stared into his cup and thought some more until his mind fixed on one word. He turned to her, somewhat surprised.

“Lover?” he asked.

She quirked an eyebrow at him.

“That’s what you were,” she said.

Steve wasn’t sure how to respond. This was something no one else knew. He had never told a soul. How could he? No one would understand. He’d realized early on that, while people might think it was OK for an older man and a young woman to be together, the thought of the reverse relationship was repulsive to most.

But Maria wasn’t most people, he was learning that more quickly than he’d learned anything since he’d woke from the ice.

“How did you know?” he asked.

She grimaced and leaned forward to busy herself with another cup of coffee.

“Well, that part you won’t like,” she said.

She took a deep breath before she continued.

“After Thor and Loki returned to Asgard, Fury put people on the remaining Avengers,” Maria explained.

She didn’t look very happy about it.

“Why?” he asked.

“Who knows?” she replied with a shrug. “Nick can be pretty paranoid.”

Her next breath was almost a groan of disgust.

“He stuck me with reading the reports,” she said.

She went on quickly as if she might lose her courage if she didn’t.

“Clint and Natasha toyed with their shadows for a few days,” she said. An amused smile came to her face and she laughed quietly. “Stupid people, they actually thought they were pulling one over on Hawkeye and Black Widow.”

Steve even had to laugh at that thought.

“They ditched them in the middle of the night, three days later.

“Tony and Bruce went to the Tower for a while, but there was nothing really significant,” she explained. “Tony was working on the reconstruction and Bruce was probably trying to decide if he should make a run for it or hang around for a while.

“You were the only interesting person,” she said.

She smiled and Steve recognized it as the one she always had when he would talk about Peggy.

“Of course, the agents following you didn’t view it that way,” she chuckled again and shook her head. “I think they thought it was a form of torture.”

She turned to Steve, a bit more relaxed now, though he could still see a wariness in her eyes, as if she thought this information would change the way Steve felt about her. And, maybe it would have once, but that was long before he really knew her.

“The reports were always the same,” she said. “Captain Rogers leaves the hotel at 7am for a run, returns at 8am, then leaves again at 9am to go to Knollwood where he remains the rest of the day and most of the evening.”

She gave him a knowing smile then and Steve blushed. She laughed at his discomfort for a moment and shook her head.

“Wait,” he said. “You knew from only that information that Peggy and I…”

The words choked off as his throat went dry.

“Did the agents?” He started to ask, but she only shook her head.

“Never had a clue,” she assured him. “People never think like that. They thought you were visiting a friend. You’re young and, well, she wasn’t. I’m sure you’ve figured out how our society views that.”

Steve nodded.

“One afternoon, you varied your routine. After dinner you went to a florist and bought some flowers, then you went and bought a bottle of champagne. The agent following you was so excited about the change he actually phoned me to tell me.”

She smiled.

“Well, he might have been clueless as to what was going to happen that night,” she said. “His opinion was that you were meeting up with one of the nurses from the nursing home.”

She shook her head in disbelief.

“You didn’t?” he asked.

She looked back at him.

“No one spends day after day sitting with an elderly former girlfriend if they aren’t still in love with her,” she said.

Steve looked at her in surprise. She’d know, all this time, all these years, she’d known. But then he realized that so would that agent who’d been following him that night.

His worry must have shown on his face because Maria began to go on with her story.

“I pulled him off,” she told him. “I told him to stand down. He argued with me but I told him I’d take the flack Fury was bound to give.”

“So no one,” he again couldn’t finish what he wanted to say.

She shook her head.

“And no one after that, either,” she told him.

He looked at her in question.

“When Fury called me on the carpet the next day we had quite the heated discussion about it,” she said. “At the end of which he pulled off the 24-hour surveillance.”

Steve relaxed a little. He was still upset about the surveillance at his apartment, but at least no one in SHIELD had known about him and Peggy.

He turned back to Maria but couldn’t find the words to say what he wanted to convey so he only laughed and shook his head in disbelief.

“What?” she asked. “Never pictured me as a hopeless romantic?”

He laughed loudly at that and had to admit that, no, he certainly hadn’t.

He looked at her for a moment before he finally worked up the courage to ask.

“I don’t want to ruin this moment,” he said. “But, please, who was he?”

Maria’s smile faltered and for a moment Steve thought he had indeed ruined everything. But she only nodded and looked as if she was resigned to tell him.

“His name was Jeff,” she said, then she took a deep steadying breath. “I met him right after I graduated SHIELD Academy.”

Steve stared in surprise. That had been long ago and yet the emotion she showed earlier when talking to him about the dreams made it seem that it must have only been a couple of years at the most.

Maria smiled at his surprise, then explained.

“He was the only person in my entire life who ever loved me,” she said. “The only person I ever let get that close to me.”

Steve suddenly wanted to know everything, about Jeff, about her. But he knew he’d only get part and would have to content himself with that, for now.

“We were both on Strike together,” she said. “I never really paid any more attention to him than anyone else. He was a teammate and he was good at his job. That’s all I cared about.”

She smiled and shook her head.

“A year later I was promoted up and out of Strike,” she said. “There was the typical ceremony and I was given a new pin to wear on my dress uniform. By etiquette, I had to remain until the last person left afterward and he stuck around until then.”

A look of sadness crossed her face then.

“He said he wanted to ask me out on a date,” she said, her voice was tight with emotion that Steve had never heard in her before. “I thought he was joking.”

She stopped a moment and Steve was again struck by the depth of feelings she was showing. The honor being given him in this act was not lost on him. She had only ever allowed one other person close to her, and Steve suddenly felt that he was not remotely worthy.

“I mean, why would anyone want to go out with me?” she asked quietly.

“I never really said 'no,'” she explained. “I just laughed at him and told him he must be certifiable if he wanted to date me. So he asked a few more times and I finally went out with him just to shut him up. I figured he only wanted to get me into bed so if I gave that to him he’d go away. It wasn’t as if he was unattractive. I figured we’d just have one night and that would be it.”

She shook her head.

“I was a bit surprised when he said goodnight at the door,” she told Steve. “And he asked me to go out again.

“It took me about three dates to understand exactly what he was working for and I almost ended it,” she said. “I was so terrified. But he just kept asking me out again after each date, and I just couldn’t say ‘no.’”

The faraway look she’d had earlier returned.

“No one had ever treated me the way he did,” Maria said.

And with that admission, Steve learned more about Maria than he’d ever hoped. He knew enough now about the world to know that all children weren’t as loved as he and Bucky had been by their parents. Hawkeye, Natasha, both had gone through more as children than anyone should ever have to. It seemed it was true for Maria as well.

She shook her head as if to shake herself from her memories.

“We got engaged,” she said. “I still marvel at that. I never thought I’d get married.”

Her voice choked on the last word and she closed her eyes. She was silent for a minute as she worked to control her breathing before going on.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’ve never talked about this with anyone before.”

Steve wasn’t sure how to respond. She was trusting him with something she’d never trusted anyone with. But, he realized, she’d been doing that for a while now. And for the same reason he had been trusting her. She knew he’d understand. So he waited patiently as she had each time they were together.

“Two weeks before the wedding, I was at the Triskelion in the control room,” she continued, her voice was quiet but Steve could hear the pain etched into each syllable. "An agent come up to me and in front of everyone informed me that Jeff had been killed in action.”

Steve had been expecting the death, but he was shocked at the callous nature of the agent. SHIELD had protocols, what happened to Maria should never have happened to anyone.

“What was I supposed to do?” she asked rhetorically. “Everyone was watching me. I was on duty. I couldn’t just fall apart. It was like it was some sort of test. I could fall apart and be viewed as weak, or I could hold it together and be viewed as a cold bitch.”

She took another steadying breath.

“Everyone already thought I was cold,” she said. “So I did exactly what they expected of me. I didn’t give them the pleasure of seeing my weakness.”

She paused again and Steve felt the anger at the injustice of the situation. He wanted to find that agent, he wanted to find anyone who’d been involved and he wanted to hurt them badly. Since he’d awoke, not many people had bothered to try to understand him, or even to get to know him. Sam had been the exception. It had turned out that without him knowing, Maria had been the first. He had known she was loyal to him, though he’d had his doubts when SHIELD was hunting him down. But what she had done to give him his privacy with Peggy made him realize that he was in her debt.

“How long ago?” he asked and wasn’t surprised that his own voice was rough with emotion.

“It’s been nearly eight years now,” she said, and she shook her head as if to admonish herself for holding on to these feelings for someone for that long.

Steve reached over and took her hand in his. He squeezed it gently and smiled at her when she looked up at him.

“I guess it takes a long time to get over your only love,” he said.

She nodded and gave him a tight smile.

Steve thought he’d feel depressed with that truth now accepted, but he didn’t. And he didn’t because he knew he wasn’t the only one who felt this way.

“I think I would like to be someone you love like that,” he said. “Even if it’s only as friends.”

She smiled warmly at him and he watched as her features and her body relaxed.

“I’d like that too,” she said.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the final story in this series. I hope you enjoyed it. I have toyed around with writing Maria a more full back story for this but I'm not sure if that will ever happen. Maybe if Cap 3 really jerks me around and does what the rumors are already saying, namely, gets Steve together with Sharon. (Excuse me while I weep.)


End file.
